Last week, a friend called me wanting to see him over dinner. This friend is hard to see on normal occasions, but I was happy to oblige, as I have not seen him for many weeks. He has been dating this guy for many months. The guy was younger, and more amorous in the bedroom. Anyway I went and met my friend for dinner in the gay ghetto of Darlinghurst. He seemed upset and emotional. I was wondering what the problem was, especially as the younger boyfriend was taking up a lot of his time. So the announcement came, the young guy was seeing two other men at the same time. Not just as shags, but as actual boyfriends.
I was shocked. How could the young guy find the time, and still stay over night many times at my friends place. Like everything in life, there are always signs. I asked my friend if he saw any of them, and he said ‘No’. But the more he thought about it the more he noticed there were.
The signs he said were;
* The battery on his phone would always run out at an interesting time, so no communication could take place.
* He would get very upset if he had to go to a certain place (in Oxford Street, Sydney).
*The young guy would want to be monogamous, and hope that there will be no reason to see other men (obviously a psychological plan)
* Strange messages would appear on his phone.
One night, my friend said, that the young guy was asleep, he did have a hunch that something wasn’t Kosher. He looked at his phone, which was unlocked, and looked at all the text messages. That’s when he realised he was in competition with two others, and others just for sex.
This case isn’t just to do with men, gay or straight, but women too.
Here is a story:
A few years ago, I was working with someone who was happily married with this woman, who he met on speed dating, when it was a thing. They later fell in love and lived together by the water in Kirribilli, Sydney. For work, the girlfriend was working for a multinational finance company. She would pop off here and there for days or weeks. Whilst she was in Melbourne for work, he decided to go to Newcastle for the weekend to see some friends. He enjoyed the accommodations of the newly opened Crowne Plaza, and met his friends nearby. One morning, at breakfast, he noticed what looked to be his girlfriend. He was doing double glances. He secretly hid near a wall in the restaurant. He noticed a man with her. They both looked pretty smitten together. They were holding hands across the table. He was now sure it was her.
He didn’t do anything. That is until he got out his phone, and called his girlfriend. She answered, and wondered how he was was. He wondered the same. She was saying how good Melbourne was, and how the food is divine. He told her that he was in Newcastle just for the weekend, as it was a quick thought thing. She changed her tone, and was a bit short with him on not telling her his movements whilst she was away on business.
Anyway, he decided to go to Reception and ask for the key to her room. Even though he was staying at the hotel himself, the Reception people didn’t recognise him, as it was new staff starting. He advised his girlfriend was staying. He hoped that the room would be under her name, which it was. He got the key, and looked inside. He wondered if the guy was staying with her, or if she was alone. He lied on the double bed, and waited.
Twenty mins later, she showed up with the man that he saw earlier. That moment was when the relationship ended for both of them.
The story goes, the girlfriend was seeing the guy for months, and would regularly go to Newcastle for ‘catch ups’. She said she still had love and affection, but couldn’t be monogamous.
Does monogamy work, or is it a piece of wood?
There are many stories in every culture and creed of affairs, mistresses, fuck buddies and the like. Are humans really able to be with that one person for a certain time?
My grandfather once had five mistresses on the side at one time. He was a very busy man. My grandmother knew, and was hurt at first, but got used to it. She may have had someone too. Who knows.
With many people looking for love, I often see the issues that come from looking for that one person. In my book, I see Love and Sex as separate. I am sure it can be intertwined, but generally it is separate. Is that why we are confused and try and hide our extra curricular activities. If we were honest, we could have love, and perhaps one night a week or a month, we can have a ‘hall pass’. Some couples actually attend Swinging parties, or other events such as threesomes. Others may go on the internet and look at Porn.
We hear stories from the world of media about people cheating. People that cheat may be doing a natural thing. It’s such a grey area on what cheating really represents. Some say why cheat when you are in love with the one you’re with. But that’s the problem, the love may be there, but they may just want to try a different flavour. I am not saying cheating is right. However, look at earlier cultures of the Greeks and Romans. They used to be with their wives, but would also have urges for men too. It was normal back then. Now, we have swept it under the carpet.
But why do people cheat? There are different circumstances on why. Maybe the sex has dwindled or they are just amourous and need sex more regularly than their partners may want. Maybe they are into both sexes, and have urges for the one they are not with most of the time. There are many reasons why. I do believe Monogamy should be a type of Wood, and not some rule to live by, as most of us have ignored it at one point or another.